I’m supposed to be studying or asleep right now but I somehow ended up picking my book “Memories” by Lang Leav and I vandalized on it AGAIN. I think it’s becoming a habit now or maybe I’m just a poet wannabe but here’s what I wrote:
I was busy procrastinating and letting my thoughts wander and get lost when i suddenly recalled some memories of things that never happened. And I wondered, should I still call them memories if they never even occurred? And because I was asking myself I also answered it myself (I’ve been bestfriends with myself these past few days).
I think they do count as memories cos they seem so real in my head. I could remember every detail and every moment in them as if they actually literally physically happened. Like I have this “what could’ve” memory of us stargazing in the mountain, at the back of a truck which was covered with a thick blanket and filled with pillows. I brought grilled sandwiches in a wicker basket and also got 1 garlic bread from Sbarro (a girl does not want to share) while he brought wine and wine glasses. We were just talking, there were moments of silence, yes, and just staring at the sky.- That did not happen but in my head it felt like it did, I can recall it and I can feel it.
It was a memory of what could’ve, a memory of how I used to have wanted things to go, a memory of what I was waiting for to happen, a memory that was created in the depths of my heart and mind but never came out to happen in the light of day.
Just because it did not happened does not make it any less than a regular memory. Memories aren’t just of things that happened, they are also of things felt, of things remembered and kept in the mind and in the heart.
Maybe that’s why some break ups hurt no matter how uneventful the relationships are, because although there’s not much “regular” memory to hold on to there are “other” memories to be recalled. And what makes these other what could’ve memories hurt is that they were at one point hope and some cling on to that hope to help them endure another day while some to give them a reason to stay.
(I am gonna get back to this train of thought when I can, I just feel so sleepy now…and I really should be studying/sleeping for recitations later.)
(But if someone is reading this, let me know about your thoughts…it would be nice having someone anonymous to discuss stuff like this with)