If I Ever See You Again

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Lately I’ve been wondering what it would be like if I ever see you again. Just another what if amongst the million others that may or may not happen. I have probably played out in my mind a hundred possible scenes of how and where it would be, I even incorporated some scenes from good movies in them and sometimes if I’m feeling fancy I’d play them out like how music videos do. But they’re all just simulations, too perfect portrayals of one possibility, and the real thing is always always a different story and it almost never turns out the way one wanted it to. And so I ask myself these questions…
What would I feel?

Would there still be butterflies in my stomach fluttering their way up to my heart? Would my mind stutter as bad as I do when I speak? Would the tip of my nose get all greasy from too much sweat? Would time fly by as quickly as it did before?

Or maybe it wouldn’t be butterflies this time, maybe they’d be beetles clawing (but beetles don’t have claws) their way out of it. Maybe my mind would black out and my tongue gets twisted that I wouldn’t be able to utter even a single word. Maybe all the sweat from my nose would now flood my palms from too much anxiety.

What would I do?

Would I go and say hi to you? Would I smile the kind of smile I used to reserve for you? Would I be able to talk to you like how an old friend would do?

Or maybe I would just turn the other way around and run as fast as I can and as far away from you as possible. Maybe I’d try to put on a straight cold face. Maybe I’d just pretend not to see you and hope you haven’t seen me or also pretend not to.

If I ever see you again, what would things be like? Would you even remember who I am or was? Would you still recall my face? Would our memories flash before you? And if they do, what would they be like? Are they about the good times? Or maybe the bad times?

Too many questions that stem from just one possibility that’s more likely to be impossible than possible. And the only thing I’m sure I would definitely do if it would ever happen is that I’d pretend that seeing you doesn’t bother me nor stir up emotions I’ve kept for myself all this time; I’d pretend to be okay even when it still stings a little. As they say, fake it till you make it.

Seeing you again is a test I have to conquer. I will never know how strong I’ve become and how much progress I’ve made until I see you again. It is like the rockiest path before getting to the summit; like the most slippery trail before getting to the top, it is a make it or break it and slide back to ground zero scenario for me. Now, do you see why I’ve made up a hundred stupid scenes of me seeing you again? I’m studying for that Philippine-bar-exam-level-of-difficulty test!

But if I were to choose what and how I want it to turn out, I’d want it to be like Before Sunset but only up to the part where they got to talk in the cafe. We’d be talking and wondering about the lost years of our lives and what lies ahead and then part ways as good old friends, unresolved issues aside and each one getting the closure he/she deserves. In a perfect world, that’s what would happen.

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